Journal Topic: What is something that someone has told you that you believed to be true? What is your truth?

Growing up I was that one kid who was always in grown folks business, and I always acted older than I was. I used to enjoy hanging out with people three times my age better than hanging out with my peers because they never really interested me enough. As I began to get older I noticed that my maturity level was not the same as my peers. I was ahead of them in a lot of ways and I had a different type of personality that in my opinion, turned people off. I was blunt, always spoke my mind, talked even when I was not asked to and always felt like I needed to chime in on things. This type of personality began to translate to others as me being mean, aggressive and, angry. Although there were some situations that I let my emotions get the best of me, I do not believe that I am all of these things. Now that I am a lot older and have been through certain situations I have learned that certain shit doesn’t need a reaction and I do not need to speak on things all of the time. Now, ironically even with me taking a step back and humbling myself many people, especially my peers still continue to call me angry. In school, I do not have many friends and it is because as I mentioned before, my maturity level has always been higher than those around me. One of my peers made a comment to me the other day suggesting that my life is “so mediocre” I purposely act a certain way to make others feel bad or to “ruin” other people’s lives. She also suggested that since I have decided to separate myself from people that I am a troublemaker and I don’t know how to keep friends. These types of comments surely do not make me feel bad about myself because I know who I am but they do make me think. Comparing my current self to who I used to be is a battle for me because it seems as though regardless of how I act or what I say and do people will continue to hold onto the preconceived impressions that they have always had of me. I have not and will not choose to believe that I am angry, miserable, mediocre and, mean. My truth is that I am so passionate and driven by so many things my mind is constantly spinning. My heart is constantly racing and touched by things that affect me. My mom always tells me “you attract more bees with honey than you do with water” and when she said that to me the first time I was like “Okay mom what the hell are you talking about” but now being told that I am miserable or mean and nasty I have realized, I will attract more bees with my honey than I will with pouring water on them. These types of comments do not need a reaction from me. Instead, I want the people who have been making this kind of comments to watch me work and live in my truth and I want my life to be an example to them of how someone can be passionate, driven and positive but still not take anyone’s bullshit. I think that is the reason why a lot of people have this kind of perception of me. I am not a fan of fake shit. I hate small talk, if I do not like you I will respect you but the fake “lovey dovey” shit isn’t going to happen with me. I call people out when they are wrong and I don’t take anyone’s crap and I believe that reason is why I am all of these things to people. In society nowadays people want to be able to talk out of their asses without any backlash or repercussions and that’s not okay with me.
I go to a predominately white school that really prides itself on “diversity” ( Ironic isn’t it?). Our school is terrible when it comes to creating conversations and spaces to talk about discrimination and race, etc. A lot of the time we have these talks I am hesitant to speak up because of these preconceived ideas my peers have of me. I do not want to be that “angry black girl” but to be honest I am fucking tired of not being able to be angry, black and, a woman at the same time. Being a woman is hard, but being a black woman is extremely harder. It does not matter how much pain we are feeling or what we are going through because our expression is always translated as being angry, bitter or aggressive. I feel like most times people want me to minimize myself or omit pieces of myself to satisfy their comfort but I am done doing that. It is not my job nor responsibility to carry the burdens of others on my back. I will continue to live by my mother’s motto “ You attract more bees with honey than you do with water” but I will make sure that as I am attracting bees I am attracting goods ones and ones that support and understand me. Although I stated that these negative comments made to me do not need a reaction I think I have to work on teaching myself when to pick and choose which ones to react to. I think it is important to invest my reactions into situations that will have a positive outcome. If I have to be the angry aggressive black girl to make a point and to educate someone then, by all means, I will be her.

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