I have noticed that I am always angry and I always have something to complain about and I HATE IT!!! I have even had people at school tell me that I am angry all the time when really I know they want to say “stop being a bitch Justice” because that’s what I act like sometimes. I will admit, sometimes have an attitude for abosultely no reason and if I am stressed or angry I find myself taking it out on other and that is not how I should handle things. I am constentetly worrying about self care and bettering myself and making myself healthier but I feel like I will never truly be mentally healthy until I get all of this anger and hurt that is built up inside of me, out!!
I think I am angry for a number of things, a lot of things in my life have shifted. Last year in school I had my best friend to go through school with, she was always by my side and I really did not need friends when my sister was with me. This year, school is completely different and now that my sister is in college and can’t be with me in school I have noticed that I have struggled tremendously this year emotionally and mentally.
For a number of months after she left I was so sad. I was always sad, I dreaded going to school and I still do and the reason for that is that I have a void that needs to be filled. Me and my best friend are not bestfriends anymore, we don’t talk like we used to, I can’t remember the last time we hung out and it’s just not the same between us. The “friends” that I do have at school are just friends that I have at school. I never hang out with them outside of school and they’re really just friends to socialize and talk to during the school day. I don’t feel like I have that one person that I can honestly go to if I would ever need someone to talk to or tell my secrets too. I’ve always felt like my sister was that person, she was always there for me even when she thought she wasn’t she is my best friend and now that she is away at college I guess I am just so fucking angry at the fact that I do not have a friend that I can “substitute” her for.
I spend everyday with terrible thoughts in my head and I can literally think myself into a bad mood ( I think it is one of my hidden talents) because I am really good at it. I just get so angry that no one is “there for me” and no one is ever around when I need them but I have gotten so fucking tired of feeling like this, I have gotten so tired of feeling alone inside of a room full of people I am promising myself to always be there for ME!! Regardless of who is around for me or not.
In my personal opinion the first step to self care is being able to be okay and content with yourself and your OWN company. Sometimes the truest friend you have is yourself. I always thought I was so strong and so confident when It came to spending time alone but this school year has made me realize that I need to work on that a lot more. Although my sister will always be around for me, I cannot rely on someone else to make me happy or be my comfort blanket or protect me. I have to do that for my damn self in order to gain ownership of the person that I am.
I’m so tired and so done with feeling sorry for myself. Today, at 8:57 pm Thursday the 5 of January I promise to stop being angry over things that aren’t that serious. I promise to be okay with transition, I promise to always be okay with the company of myself.
(This is an extremely random blog post but it’s just a mini rant that I needed to get off of my chest, LOL) I hope everyone’s weekend is full of fun and good vibes and I have interesting things on the way ! So stay tuned !!!💗